When I say, “Don’t feed the piranhas,” I mean, “Don’t feed the paranoia.” The two words have similarities outside both beginning with the letter “p”; feeding either only increases the frenzy of the paranoia and the piranhas. They get a taste of blood and flesh and go in for the kill and, in so doing, produce madness, mayhem, and broken relationships or business partnerships.
The inherent problem with paranoia, unlike the physical reality of a piranha, is that the feeling is built on mistrust and assumptions. I assume a person is doing something without my knowledge or thinks such and such a way. I don’t know either of those things as facts; I trust my judgment even though it is notably limited and clouded. I only see a small part of the picture yet form an entire picture based on it. When I look at the real photo and not the one I’ve imagined, it’s out-of-focus and has paid attention to all the wrong things. I can’t see this; I’m too close to whatever facts I think I know. I’ve already become paranoid and worry about every little thing despite knowing such an attitude leads to a feeding frenzy and eventual disaster with any type of relationship.
The only way I’ve found to combat the paranoia and the piranhas is not to give sway to mistrust or assumptions. I ask questions. I admit when I don’t know a thing or am worried even if I fear doing so won’t be to my benefit. More often than not, I’m proved wrong on that point. My lack of knowledge isn’t the issue; the issue is my refusal to admit weakness. If the other person doesn’t respond well to the admission, it’s no longer my issue. It’s that person’s, and, while a feeding frenzy may still occur, it won’t be because I let the piranhas out of their holding tank. I did what I was supposed to do. I fought the paranoia and kept the piranhas at bay.
Image: Sweetie187 (CC BY 2.0)
Great advice, Erin, about relationships. I wonder how many relationships — both business and personal — are destroyed or abandoned because we “fill in the gaps” with our own bad experiences and trust issues, rather than ask questions?
Michelle Quillin I don’t know. I only know I’m a slow learner. Fortunately, I have a few people on a personal level who are okay with me asking questions when I’m no longer sure what the lay of the land is. On the professional, I’ve just tried to learn to never assume the client has the same understanding that I do and to make sure that we’re both on the same page before any work is done – even if that means I have to ask ostensibly stupid questions.
As a former data analyst for GEICO (where a 15 minute call could save you 15% on your auto insurance), I try to avoid drawing conclusions based upon a sample size that is not significant. When someone looks at the weather and declares, “See, global warming is _____”, as I don’t remember it being the same when I was young.
Well, no, you don’t, because you weren’t paying attention to weather when you were twelve.
I had an interesting conversation a while back about the limits of understanding. We can’t know what another person’s brain is like. One can look at test scores and form hypothesis, but we don’t know how their mind works day in and day out. We only have the perspective of one brain, ours.
Me, I can’t imagine NOT being able to figure out 17% of 350 in my head. That being said, I have a friend who’s wife has a PHD in medicinal chemistry (designing drugs) and she doesn’t know here times table up through nine. (This isn’t a joke, she doesn’t know what the FUCK 8 x 7 equals) It makes me furious that she was allowed to graduate high school, let alone get a bachelors and then PHD.
I am of the opinion that this NOT being able to perceive how other’s think, is why we often draw the conclusions that our thoughts must be reality. It is why many people who are passionate about politics are unable to process logic in an argument. The assumption is that MY side is the good side and the OTHER side must be evil. There is the old adage that “A thief thinks everyone steals”. I remember this when I hear someone dismiss an argument as flawed because it is based in fact, but doesn’t agree with their dogma (hence they assume the other person is lying)
The point, is, one can avoid problems by simply asking questions. “What if…” keeps me from jumping to too many conclusions.
ExtremelyAvg It is true that we can’t know another person’s motives, and it’s folly to try to interpret them based on what he or she does or doesn’t do. All we can do is measure their actions and choose how we will respond to those actions.
I think there’s a notion that asking questions is a sign of weakness. Maybe it’s part of the American individualism. I don’t know. I only know that as I get older and maybe a bit wiser that asking questions doesn’t make me weak. They may make me vulnerable, but vulnerability requires a certain sort of strength and humbleness.