Morning workouts seem to have turned into times of processing and self-directed, gospel-centered counseling. A few weeks ago I wondered, What if I can’t do this [support raising]?
God’s Spirit answered, You can’t. That’s the whole point. I want you to depend on Me, and Me alone.
This week, the question took a different form. My brain asked, How can I pay people back?
The question surprised me. I thought I’d dealt with the issue while reading The God Ask. I even told a friend that financial supporters invest more in God’s work than in me only a day or two ago.
Apparently, the words, heart, and mind don’t fully align yet. Construction remains underway; yellow tape drapes the area; the work crew is still digging up the earth before pouring the foundation. Despite the ongoing demolition and rebuilding, I recognized the error in my thinking almost immediately.
Correction: God pointed out my incorrect thinking. I’d momentarily lost sight of him and his purpose. He wants me to pursue the residency because it glorifies him and shares him with the world. People who support the work contribute to making his name known and help develop me into the woman God desires me to be.
Even with the realigned thinking, accepting financial support could continue to be a struggle. Some of the tension likely lies in the American culture. I’m told to be self-sufficient and independent. The Bible dictates a different mindset. It says to depend on God and others—in both the Old and New Testament. God charges the Israelites with supporting the Levites, the tribe responsible for spiritual teaching and leadership.
Another part rests in my personality. Beneath the creativity and ideation lies an achiever. I like to-do lists and checkboxes. I want to prove my worth, feel the need to work to gain approval. However, the more I work, the less I rest in who God says I am, his daughter.
Ultimately, though, my question — How can I pay people back? — points to a pride problem. I experience the need to pay people back when I forget Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection, the greatest expression of radical, gracious generosity on record. There is no way to pay Jesus back for all that he’s done. He has done everything. He gave up heaven and daily interactions with God the Father to dwell on earth. Jesus lived the life I can’t, perfectly obeying God’s commands. He then died for my sins and bore God’s wrath so that I don’t and won’t have to. Finally, he rose from the dead to defeat sin, death, and Satan forever.
Jesus does all that willingly. He gives me everything when I have nothing, and he does that because he loves me and wants me for his own. No sacrifice is too great for him because he desires to restore a broken and hurting world to himself.
When people support my residency, they embody Jesus’ love. Their acts, like Jesus’, are unmerited grace. I have done nothing to deserve their financial support, prayers, and encouragement. They give of their own volition because they believe the residency is a just cause, one worth investing in. They sacrifice their time and money because they want to be a part of the biggest story ever told. By partnering with me, we get to participate in it together.
Image: jason saul (Creative Commons)